So at work today, a friend from high school stopped by. She pops in every once in a while, but usually she's either with friends or I'm just too busy to really give her any attention, but today just happened to be the right moment. We chatted for a bit about life in general and I even helped her try to find something she was shopping for. It's normally on occasions like these that I finish my blog in in the next sentence, but this time I came prepared with paragraphs!

So finally, when she's about to leave she comes back and gives her final, awkward goodbyes (waving and saying "it was nice seeing you" while slowly backing off). And as she turned around and walked away I couldn't help but stare at her for a few moments. It was then that I turned and saw one of my co-workers giving me the "hey, she's cute. Go get her!" face and head nod. I don't know what came over me after that, but I immediately ran back to her, called her name and in a slightly awkward, but perfectly innocent voice asked if she wanted to hang out with me sometime. Almost on cue, she whipped out her phone and asked for my number.

Now I must stress, it wasn't exactly HER that made me so happy; I just love the fact that any other day I would've just backed off and had another moment of despair to dwell on the whole day. Miraculously, even when I asked if she was free that weekend and she said she'd be with her boyfriend, only a twinge of dissapointment emerged. She's a cute girl and I honestly do want to be friends with her. But normally I can't even make that step because of my lack of initiative.

No more! I finally displayed some confidence and it paid off. Even if somehow this develops into something (which I admit would be nice), it wouldn't matter as much as the fact that I did something that used to scare me today.

When I decided to sign up for classes again after failing the previous year, I told my folks that it was because I felt I "was ready" to take school seriously now. But She was the real reason.

I met her in high school. We were both juniors at the time. I was an incredibly shy young man, but somehow unexplainably, I knew from the moment I saw her she would change me. I just didn't know how yet.

I mostly kept to myself the rest of that year. I ate lunch by myself every day; I didn't even sit at a table. I was an "up against the wall" kind of guy. She would reveal to me later that at the time she always wanted to come up and talk to me, but believe it or not, SHE was too shy. Thankfully, I was taking journalism that year and was able to join the newspaper the next year. That's when all the fun really started.

It was while working alongside her that her influence on me began to take over. I never really hung out with anyone nor did I ever think I was interesting enough to snag a crush. But she was always encouraging me. Sure, she praised my writing and helped me build a confidence in that, but where she really outdid herself was my shell. She was the only person who ever asked to hang out with me. She invited me to parties, she always tried to boost my confidence enough to speak my mind and when our plans couldn't work out for some reason, she seemed more dissapointed than anyone else would've been. For some reason, I finally felt a bit more than just the shy guy that reads books and watches movies alone.

As my feelings grew, so did my heartache. She had a boyfriend. A "serious" boyfriend at that. I was powerless against the "coolness" that only a twentysomething could provide at the time. Right there, I should've seen that she wasn't the angel I was making her out to be, but I couldn't help it. It's only after reminiscing about it did I realize I was "in love." She had been promiscous. Occasionally, she had flirted with drugs. She held a cynical world view ever since a horrible incident only a few years prior. Perhaps it was the idea that she only shared these facts with me that made me fall for her when I should've been turned off.

A year passed and we were now seniors. And I was now in a relationship. To this day, I still wonder if I dated my ex because I wanted to or because She was unavailable. I can at least say that I regret none of it. My relationship was great. We got along wonderfully and shared more interests than even She and I had. If She had taken me out of my shell, my ex had officially broken it. I had changed for good and I'm forever greatful to have met and know such a wonderful girl as my ex.

So why did I break up with her? It's tragic, but again, after reminiscing I found out that I wasn't "in love" with her. After all the heartache I had gone through with Her, my ex seemed (as insulting as this may sound) like a cop out. Like somehow I had obtained her without any effort, and therefore, without any satisfaction. Our relationship lasted almost two years, but never did I see any real future in it. Sure I was young, but I'm not the type of guy that wants everyone at a time. If I had been "in love" I would've stayed with her until we were fifty, first girlfriend or not. But I just wasn't.

A few months after the relationship, She came into my life again. While chatting online, I mentioned that I might take classes again and instantly she perked up. She was even more thrilled when I signed up for the same classes. I was happy to provide something She had always wanted. Maybe now was finally the time to get close.

So the classes arrive and everything is ruined forever. She doesn't have a boyfriend "sorta." She's "sorta" seeing a guy, but no matter how close they feel, she always comes back to me smiling. Then comes our group project. Nobody really cooperates because she's too busy flirting with our classmate that she's only met that year. I'm too busy being jealous to realize I've been completely shunned for this new guy. Even when she pulls me aside and urges me to be less aggressive and sarcastic and more loveable again, and even after I DO change into a nicer person, nothing works. She never calls me; she never hangs out with me. All of her attention is gone and I don't know why.

I haven't really spoken to her since those classes nearly a year ago. Last I heard, she's moved to another city. A new life; a new girl. I'll probably never get a chance to let her know how I felt about her, but I sometimes wish she could know how I feel now. Which is to say, I feel nothing.

We seemed so perfect but we weren't. I thought you were my godsend, but you turned out to be a footnote. Some may say I gave up a perfectly good girl for you, but I didn't. I gave up a great girl in hopes that one day, I can feel the emotions that you brought and know what it's like to have those emotions recipricated. Thanks to Her, I know what love feels like. And I know what losing love feels like. Hopefully, I'll also know what it's like to love someone who loves me as well.